My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
