im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
two words: eviction party
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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