there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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