ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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