She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just invented taco cereal.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
