Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
the liver wants what the liver wants
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
