Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
