Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
