i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Can you bring me the toilet please
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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