I'm going to rape someone's good day.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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