She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
