I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize