I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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