I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
