Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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