All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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