This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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