if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He did a backflip because drugs
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