hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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