sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
