I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
