Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
