I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's shark week go big or go home
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
