Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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