i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize