My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
