Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
