The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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