pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
