Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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