Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
