My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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