Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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