he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
