You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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