I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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