Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
