You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
