So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
