You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
