Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
