you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
