Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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