Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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