New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
