you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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