yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
