so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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