I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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