why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize