He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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