Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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