I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
