the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
