Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i would punch a child for taco bell
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
