quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
