last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Where is the hickey?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
