I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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