told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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