I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
