When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
