while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize